Reflections of a Young Pilgrim

Three days ago, I woke up at 9 o’clock sharp with a song verse in my head. I had heard this song at church once before… it was The New Breed by Vincent Vera… and this particular verse had stood out for me… and normally it was going to be all but forgotten from my mind over the next few days. But not this time.

I immediately started up the internet, looked up this song, and listened carefully to the words. Thinking back, I just felt strongly led to do it, there was no regular explanation for why I looked it up with such urgency. And then the word’s came, and I could feel the Holy Spirit asking me “how long…”

And now all that I see is a field that needs mowin’
An alley to clean and some people worth knowin’
And buying into all the world’s indigestion
Is wasted on me, for I’ve only one question
How long are you planning on saving yourself
‘Til you finally move on to somebody else
And deliver yourself from your spiritual greed
For to gather the spoils of nations….

When we rise as the new breed….

Perhaps this song won’t have quite the same impact on others as it did on me. But as with most people… the folks who meet me, at first glance, probably have no idea what turmoil rages inside my heart. How conflicted I feel at times, my soul torn in two directions. I want to do one thing, yet another part of me pulls the other way. I’ve always believed that the Lord God’s side would ultimately win, that it’s inevitable that His plan for my life will prevail. Yet I kept putting it off– wanting to enjoy my life as I see fit (though I hate myself for it) and not face the hardships His narrow path would bring me– almost like I’m waiting for him to wave a wand and all selfish problems go away. Or most likely, I was just waiting for him to break me and make me cry, straighten me out. No struggles on my part me if he does the changing that fast.

But no… He won’t hear of it. Instead He gives me Choice. He shows me both roads; reminds me how depressing the fleshly one is and how much I hate it, and that putting trust in His path always seems to make me happy and refreshed. He beckons me but won’t “fix me” right away.

And then that morning, he tells me “How long are you planning on saving yourself… until you finally move on to somebody else…”. How long am I planning on living for myself? How long until I live for others and love/bless as I actually really love to do? He tells me “How long are you planning on making Me wait?”.

When I think about it, I don’t really want to be broken. Mankind’s nature is like a young child: it can certainly listen but it can certainly turn stubborn, and the only thing that will get through to it in those times is discipline and some sort of pain. Whether it’s a slap or being grounded, we finally get the message and want to straighten out. But after everything I’ve been through… after seeing my Dad pass away and an adult level of pain… do I really want more? Do I want to find out what a slap from God feels like?

As Paul wrote, God forbid.

In fact, I know that God doesn’t even want that. He’s the perfect father, and no good father enjoys disciplining his children. He is, praise Him, very patient. Read the book of Jeremiah and the other biblical prophets to understand just how patient He is.

What I really want… no, that’s poor wording; it’s not a want or even close to everyday desires/lusts… what my heart really desires… what the deep part of me is really thirsty for… is life. A full life, a great life. And I want it to be orchestrated by God, because I believe His best for me is better than anything I could plan out. Because I have tried the world’s ways– my own ways– and they are not life. I’m finally understanding why the Bible calls this “death”. My everyday life feels: asleep.

So when I go to church on Sunday morning and praise and worship… and I feel more alive and joyful than ever… why is that? One moment has God in it, the rest does not. Having seen God do amazing things in my family and friend’s lives; having seen him refresh me and sooth me like nothing else does; having seen the wonderful works of God and loving it vs the sleepy works of myself… perhaps it’s time for me to change, and starting living for my Father. Because I just love Him.

What about that terribly loud voice that says “Stay away from all that… it’s not fun”? I’ve listened to it for over 9 years now. I don’t really want to listen to it anymore. I remember where it led me. And I know where God’s leading me. And I know I love Him, and He loved me first. He’s been there for me even when I haven’t been there for Him. So… you make a good point Lord… what am I waiting for?

I agree. Goodbye self, goodbye Satan, goodbye world and your conflicting ways. It’s been fun- in every sense of the word- but I have found somebody else. I’ve found somebody with life and joy, my heart’s desire, a love to fill my dying soul. And though you may try to scream at me, I am rather tired of your face and voice- I hate it, actually- I love my Father and will seek His face out with all my seeking- I choose Living Water. I choose a new life with Him.

Matthew 16:24  Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

Matthew 16:25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

Lord, I’m sorry I’ve been gone. Will you build me up again? I’m tired of saving myself, and so I give my life up. I’m putting all the cards on the table, entrusting everything to you. Abba, Father, I trust you.